A beautiful me

November 30, 2006
We have a breakthrough!
Something has changed for me and I am not entirely certain where it begins and where it ends, and this change is so beautiful. I keep discovering a new facet of this new change.
What caused the change? A few things…
I have been getting some counseling at my church. Some of the most spiritual and person counseling I have ever, ever received. I have worked through some really heavy personal material and it has changed me more than anything I have ever done. People talk about a pivotal point in their life, or something shaking them down to the core…this is what this particular counseling has done for me. I am very changed and more me, and completely the same all at the same time. I have a long ways to come (we have awesomely high standards) but let’s not dwell there. The biggest change that came from this counseling is that I am more here, more focused and more living in the present. It’s awesome. I didn't know I was missing this until it changed for the better! I don’t thing change #2 could have happened without this one. I am so lucky to be part of my church and all that it does.
#2. I had my awesome family point out some things they thought I ought to change in my parenting. Can you imagine the courage to tell me I ought to change some of the ways I mother??? I admire them for telling me despite what I might do or say! J Luckily I took it like a champ and really looked at how they were right. Oh how right they were!
Their kind words helped to snap be out of wherever I was, and help bring back (I had it at some point!) a complete and 100% certainty that Charlotte and Lucas are fully aware of what they should and shouldn’t be doing and no need to wonder if they “get it” or not. No need to repeat myself 100 times and no need to expect low standards because of age. So now that we have that in place, it’s time to expect and demand higher standards of them! And lo and behold Charlotte has been just incredible compared to even a few days ago, and Lucas is really coming along and is working through his weak areas.
My brother (technically he is my in-law, but he is more a full brother than anything) Jerrol said something that really stuck to me. He ever so gently and kindly pointed out that I might need to change something if I didn’t know WHAT I would do if I couldn’t send Luke and soon Charlotte off to preschool every day. That I shouldn’t be troubled too much or NEEED to get away from my kids. I brushed him off the first few times he said this, but this last time I really looked at this. Why do I feel I can’t spend all day with my kids? What am I doing wrong here? Why can’t I get anything done when they are home? I decided that he was right and something was very wrong over here.
Wake up call!!!
My have not been getting proper control run on them, I have always entertained them and created their games for them, and allowed them to have pretty poor manners. So we are on day 2 or so of some BIG changes and things are going SO MUCH BETTER! Stay tuned! This second change would not have allowed change #3 to arrive today....this is a very, very personal one. One I am been really struggling with. Only a few know the extent of the stuggle.
#3 I love my Charlotte. I love my baby girl so much – but better than that I enjoy her and I miss my girl when she’s sleeping. I always have loved her, but we have had a ridge, tension – whatever you want to name it - between us, we weren’t in mother/daughter bliss, that is for certain.
She has been difficult, almost anyone can tell you that. I have been stuck on that, “I have a difficult baby” and have lamenting and whined about it. But I see now, after spending two of the most incredible days with her that I should have moved on long ago and enjoyed her in the ways I could have, granted her more beingness for being her and loved Charlotte despite of the fact that she is so different from what I had expected andfrom what I thought I wanted.
But all I really want is my little girl, now that I have figured this all out.
She is just the funniest thing! I have never seen such spunk and LIFE in a tiny body! It is hysterical! She is spirited and oh so smart, funny and the sweetest thing. She has such integrity and is very out-spoken (yes a non-talking child can be out-spoken) and some of these things she’ll need some guidance on (that is if I want her to have friends!) but man she is amazing. I always knew these things, maybe just partially. But somehow they all feel so new. It’s an awesome feeling to be able to appreciate and love her, but sad that we couldn’t get along better before.
But I love my girl.......and that's all that matters.
Not a day goes by when I am not incredibly thankful and grateful for my family. I could not be who I am or have come so far without them.
This year is truly been my best so far in terms of growth. Thank you for being my friend everyone.