30

Children,

When I was little I would walk up and down the sidewalk holding and burping this baby doll pretending she was real. I did all sorts of things to this poor plastic toy - all the while feeling a bit silly because I just wanted to be a grownup already and do it for real. Never the less, I still pushed, burped, pierced her ears and changed her diapers. And loved it.

Fast forward 10 years to my teenage boyfriend (poor guy). I wanted nothing more than for him to propose to me. I even talked myself into believing that on any given important day in the near future he would get down on one knee. I prayed for this to happen. I wanted to have children with him more than anything. OH MY GOD!! What 16 year old thinks things like this?! I was such a dramatic teenager (redundant statement). I was itching to start my life so badly I almost physically hurt with it. I hated school because I felt like it was holding me back. I could not WAIT to grow up. I just knew that 27 was MY age. I would "have it all together" by then and really be living. Please come 27! Please!

Fast forward 3 years. I met your dad around this time and thought he was a cool & funny guy but didn't think much more about him. He was so much older than me so the idea of marrying him never crossed my mind.  He was John - the funny guy who worked for my dad. And then over the next year our friendship grew and by the next year there seemed to be more. Before long we were talking about what we wanted out of a serious relationship. And not long after that he was asking permission from my dad to date me.

Fast forward 7 years. It was 2009. I was turning 27 that year. My old goal of "having it all together" long forgotten as I had become so busy with two awesome kids, a growing business and thriving marriage. We had been through a whole lot together. That spring we performed a miracle and I was able to receive about 175 intensive hours of therapy at our church. WOAH. To say it changed my life would be a gross understatement. It felt like what I had been doing wasn't even living before then. I had always kind of had this idea that therapy of that intensity was for those with messed up lives or serious problems - both of which I didn't feel I had. But what I came to realize was that receiving help and digging deep within yourself is so much more productive when life is going well (just my views on it anyway). As I was nearing the end of what I had set out to do I remember my "27 goal" and had a really good laugh. I had done it. I love when forgotten goals still happen. I was electrified with satisfaction and pride in myself. I knew I had a lot to learn and a lot of growing left to do but in my mind I had taken a HUGE step.

When I finished, and was basking in my happiness your dad announced to me that if I wanted to have more kids it was "now or never." This took a lot of hemming and hawing on my part before I decided to go forward and multiply some more. About a week. And then before I knew it we were expecting William. And as soon as that bugger was sleeping through the night we decided it was time to add another. And before we knew it Savannah was on the way.

And here I am now. I just turned 30. THIRTY!!!!! Age has always been exciting for me. I loved birthdays and turning older and checking things of my life to-do list. I always viewed it as progress. And then about a month before I turned said age, it dawned on me that 30 was only 10 years from FOURTY! I freaked out. I blinked several times. I gulped. I paced. Fourty is old. OLD. I never signed on for anything past 27! Remember?? I was upset and felt betrayed. This is not good. I called my long time best friend Calyn and asked her if she had realized this. In fact she hadn't - and "thanked" me for ruining her day. Oops. But seriously - what was I supposed to do?

Fast forward two weeks. I was getting out of the bath and noticed something alarming. I now had spider veins on my right lower leg. WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON AROUND HERE?!?!! My heart raced a little bit. I was headed to my dark and scary place quickly. And then it all came together in a startling realization. No one ever signed on to get old. NO ONE. No one likes it. Every old person I know was once vibrant and youthful, full of life and dreams and dance moves. I realized that "old" is a slow and betraying and inevitable thing that comes without permission. It's not something for grandmas, it's something that comes slowly and quietly and creeps up on you in your twenties. And all of the sudden as I sat there on the side of the tub wrapped in my towel I was at peace with it. It's out of my control.....it's out of all of our control.

A friend at my 30th birthday party said words that really put it all together for me though and I wish I could remember them exactly. It went something like  "your ideal scene for your life is constantly evolving and changing because as you achieve it you immediately set up some new goals for the future" This gave me the final piece of peace my heart needed.

My summary and conclusion to you my children is that you are timeless, immortal, beautiful, spiritual beings and don't you forget it. Your physical age and body is NOT you. Everything you do today counts for tomorrow. Nothing is wasted. So keep dreaming, learning, achieving, helping and showing off your dance moves. You are timeless and important and loved. You are forever.